Oh, What a Journey!

Let's get a little bit serious.

Lately I've been somewhat.... unhappy? depressed? unfulfilled? And up until last week I never really had the time to just sit down, think it through, figure out why, and come up with a solution.

Fortunately, last week was Golden Week (which means I had 9 glorious days off of work in a row) and I had plenty of time to just stop and think. What follows is the conclusion that I came to:

Throughout my life, at least from the age of (about) 15 and onward, I've always had a goal. I've always been moving towards something. There was a path ahead of me and it was clear. But I would argue that I didn't really choose the path, it sort of just came to me, and I followed it. From 15 years of age, the goal was to get a job and make money so I could afford all the nice things I wanted. From 17 years of age: finish high school and prove all those wrong who thought I would most certainly drop out. From 18: go to a respectable college, get a degree, prove to myself that I can do it, make up for senior year of high school. From 22: get into the JET Program and go to Japan.

Much to my satisfaction, I have completed all these goals. And don't get me wrong, it feels great. So why am I... less than content? 

Is it Japan? Culture shock? The language barrier? Am I homesick? Lonely? 

Yes, its probably a little bit of each of those. 

But what it all really boils down to is this: I currently do not have a goal towards which I am moving.  I feel as if I'm stuck in limbo. I'm at a point in life where I've pretty much got everything I wanted and asked for thus far (and for that I am eternally grateful)... 

But what's next? Where is the path?

I came to Japan for a number of reasons - the main ones being: 1) an interest in Japan, 2) to delay real life and important life decisions, and 3) to save money.

But the real problem here is that second reason: to delay real life and important life decisions.

For some odd reason, I thought that coming here would be like an extended vacation; a brief sojourn that would effectively delay the inevitable inconvenience of growing up.

But I can't escape it. I have choices that need to be made... and soon. At the very least, I need an immediate goal to work towards.

During my Golden Week brainstorming (and I quite literally spent a whole day doing nothing except sitting, staring at a wall, and thinking), I came up with the following goals:

• Study Japanese... Hardcore: while this seems like the obvious choice, its actually something I sort of find myself leaning away from the more time passes. It's sad to admit, but I find myself wondering if I will ever use Japanese again once I leave Japan. This shouldn't be an excuse, and I know I should be diligently learning the language of the land I live in... but I have limited time and energy.
• Study for Law/Grad School: this is probably the goal I am most leaning towards, with the end result being getting into a good school and studying again for another 3-4 years. But honestly, where does that leave me? As of now, I only see this as delaying real life even further. Add to this the problem that I don't even know 100% if I want to do Law School or if I want to do Grad School (heaven forbid having to choose a field to focus in)... and this option slowly becomes less and less appealing. Yet still, I continue to lean very heavily in this direction.
• Get Ripped: this one is easy. Work out. It takes up time, makes me look better, feel better, and there is really no way to lose. 
• Indulge in the Arts: this is something I've been toying with for a while as well. Do I want to learn a new musical instrument? Do I want to learn some other artsy craft that I would otherwise never have the time for? Yeah... I sort of do...

All these are great ideas, and if I was crazy, I would certainly attempt to accomplish all of them. But I know that such a task would be impossible. So I need to choose 1 or 2... But which to choose? I honestly haven't yet figured it out. I still need more time to think about it. I feel as if once I put my eggs in one basket, they are locked in, and taking them out means I don't pass 'Go', I don't get $200, and I have to go directly to jail.

I guess in the end, it all boils down to my dreading the day when I have to return to America. What happens if I haven't figured it out by then? Will I be 27 years old, single, unemployed, and living with my parents? I love my parents and all, but quite honestly this is a doomsday scenario that basically stamps a big giant red "LOSER" into the middle of my forehead. To prevent this, I need to think NOW. I need to plan NOW. This problem needs to be solved before I leave Japan in a little over 2 years.

So yeah. This is where my mind is currently. It's in purgatory. Stuck in the middle of nowhere, relishing where I came from and how I got here, only to be haunted by the fact that the numerous paths ahead of me are shrouded in fog and irreversible once chosen - and sooner or later one must be chosen.

I guess to make a long story short...

I'm growing up.

And I don't want to.