Death by Cashews

It's been a while, ne?

I seriously can't believe it will be June in a few days... time is going by too fast, and I'm not liking that. In fact its going so fast that in just two months I will have been in Japan for a year! What?!?!?

So... what have I been up to recently? To be honest that's kind of a difficult question to answer. In fact I know that I've officially become accustomed to life here because I'm sitting here and struggling to write this blog. At first these blogs were easy as pie to write... everything was so fresh and so new that I knew instantly what would be interesting to readers (with most of you living outside of Japan). But now I've ...habituated, if you will.

The first thing that comes to mind in terms of what I've been up to recently - which also happens to relate to the title of this post - is that I've been eating boatloads of cashews. In fact, I was eating so many that my local grocery store ran out for a while there. There were riots in the streets.

And by streets I mean my house.

Luckily the stock has since been replenished, and the checkout clerks are once again commenting on my unnatural obsession with these fine delicacies. At this rate the mostly likely cause of death, were I to die in Japan, would be death by cashews (not earthquakes, difficult language barriers, or the encroaching brutality of Japanese summer).

Let's see... what else?? I had a great weekend a little while back in Nagoya. I went bowling, saw a movie in theaters (The Descendants), went to a game center, and had REAL Mexican food. Oh, did I mention it was good? It was good. To be honest, the food I miss the most from home is actually Mexican food. I miss burritos, enchiladas, tacos, chips & salsa, chimichangas... okay tears are falling on the keyboard... better change the subject

lol... seriously though. its not funny. you're probably eating chips and salse whilst laughing at me. rude.

Recently I've been hanging out a lot with a teacher I used to work with. It's been great! It honestly feels like the first true friendship I have with a Japanese person other than my friends in Tokyo. But it's a bit confusing, because I would honestly like to be more than just friends... but I also don't want to ruin the friendship either. Dilemmas. I have no idea how a Japanese person would act in such a situation or what I should do according to "modern Japanese norms"... but at the end of the day I'll probably just go about it the same way I would back home. In Japan, this could very easily turn into an epic fail. But that's alright I suppose. At least I will have tried and hopefully I will have learned something in the process.

Oh! I also finally made it to the AMAZING beach in my town. It's stunning. I was lucky enough to have gone on a day with perfect weather (not too hot and not too cold) and yet there was almost nobody there. It was so relaxing and just what I needed. I'm going to try to go at least 1 or 2 times every month.

This weekend I'll head north, and depending on the weather I'll either be heading to an amusement park and riding roller coasters or visiting a jail-themed restaurant.

I'll say that again: a jail-themed restaurant.
Its exactly what it sounds like.

If I don't go there this weekend, I'm definitely going to go there some other time. It's a must. Details once I've done it.

Well.... I guess that's it.... I don't really know what else to say. Sorry that this has been a short one. I just wanted to update everyone back home. I'm sorry these aren't more regular.

Have a good morning/day/night in whatever corner of the world you live!

Oh, What a Journey!

Let's get a little bit serious.

Lately I've been somewhat.... unhappy? depressed? unfulfilled? And up until last week I never really had the time to just sit down, think it through, figure out why, and come up with a solution.

Fortunately, last week was Golden Week (which means I had 9 glorious days off of work in a row) and I had plenty of time to just stop and think. What follows is the conclusion that I came to:

Throughout my life, at least from the age of (about) 15 and onward, I've always had a goal. I've always been moving towards something. There was a path ahead of me and it was clear. But I would argue that I didn't really choose the path, it sort of just came to me, and I followed it. From 15 years of age, the goal was to get a job and make money so I could afford all the nice things I wanted. From 17 years of age: finish high school and prove all those wrong who thought I would most certainly drop out. From 18: go to a respectable college, get a degree, prove to myself that I can do it, make up for senior year of high school. From 22: get into the JET Program and go to Japan.

Much to my satisfaction, I have completed all these goals. And don't get me wrong, it feels great. So why am I... less than content? 

Is it Japan? Culture shock? The language barrier? Am I homesick? Lonely? 

Yes, its probably a little bit of each of those. 

But what it all really boils down to is this: I currently do not have a goal towards which I am moving.  I feel as if I'm stuck in limbo. I'm at a point in life where I've pretty much got everything I wanted and asked for thus far (and for that I am eternally grateful)... 

But what's next? Where is the path?

I came to Japan for a number of reasons - the main ones being: 1) an interest in Japan, 2) to delay real life and important life decisions, and 3) to save money.

But the real problem here is that second reason: to delay real life and important life decisions.

For some odd reason, I thought that coming here would be like an extended vacation; a brief sojourn that would effectively delay the inevitable inconvenience of growing up.

But I can't escape it. I have choices that need to be made... and soon. At the very least, I need an immediate goal to work towards.

During my Golden Week brainstorming (and I quite literally spent a whole day doing nothing except sitting, staring at a wall, and thinking), I came up with the following goals:

• Study Japanese... Hardcore: while this seems like the obvious choice, its actually something I sort of find myself leaning away from the more time passes. It's sad to admit, but I find myself wondering if I will ever use Japanese again once I leave Japan. This shouldn't be an excuse, and I know I should be diligently learning the language of the land I live in... but I have limited time and energy.
• Study for Law/Grad School: this is probably the goal I am most leaning towards, with the end result being getting into a good school and studying again for another 3-4 years. But honestly, where does that leave me? As of now, I only see this as delaying real life even further. Add to this the problem that I don't even know 100% if I want to do Law School or if I want to do Grad School (heaven forbid having to choose a field to focus in)... and this option slowly becomes less and less appealing. Yet still, I continue to lean very heavily in this direction.
• Get Ripped: this one is easy. Work out. It takes up time, makes me look better, feel better, and there is really no way to lose. 
• Indulge in the Arts: this is something I've been toying with for a while as well. Do I want to learn a new musical instrument? Do I want to learn some other artsy craft that I would otherwise never have the time for? Yeah... I sort of do...

All these are great ideas, and if I was crazy, I would certainly attempt to accomplish all of them. But I know that such a task would be impossible. So I need to choose 1 or 2... But which to choose? I honestly haven't yet figured it out. I still need more time to think about it. I feel as if once I put my eggs in one basket, they are locked in, and taking them out means I don't pass 'Go', I don't get $200, and I have to go directly to jail.

I guess in the end, it all boils down to my dreading the day when I have to return to America. What happens if I haven't figured it out by then? Will I be 27 years old, single, unemployed, and living with my parents? I love my parents and all, but quite honestly this is a doomsday scenario that basically stamps a big giant red "LOSER" into the middle of my forehead. To prevent this, I need to think NOW. I need to plan NOW. This problem needs to be solved before I leave Japan in a little over 2 years.

So yeah. This is where my mind is currently. It's in purgatory. Stuck in the middle of nowhere, relishing where I came from and how I got here, only to be haunted by the fact that the numerous paths ahead of me are shrouded in fog and irreversible once chosen - and sooner or later one must be chosen.

I guess to make a long story short...

I'm growing up.

And I don't want to.