Thursday, July 21, 2011

Dear America, Meet My Mistress Named Japan

Dear America,

Parting is such sweet sorrow. We've been going steady for 23 years now; in that time I've only been away from you for 4.5 weeks! If that is not commitment, I don't know what is! You nurtured and raised me. You gave me one too many valuable life lessons. You taught me how to read, how to write, how to speak. You've been a great lover, indeed. But the time has come for me to move on; to start from scratch once again.

This is not to say that I won't miss you (well, parts of you at least)! And so to you America, I list all the things about you that I will miss:
  • All my family and friends
  • The English language
  • All the bad food I know I shouldn't be eating
  • Your amazing weather - Yeah, I'm talkin' 'bout you California... you cutie
  • The English language
  • Your amazing highway system without tolls
  • Deodorant and good toothpaste
  • The fact that I NEVER carry cash because I can use my credit card everywhere
  • The English language
  • Central heat & air + insulated housing
  • The American Dream

Just don't start tootin' your horn too loudly, America. There are a lot of things about you that I'm not going to miss. Things like:
  • Crime
  • The "fight the man/society" complex that plagues you
  • Litter
  • Your economy
  • Angry/mean/rude/pathetic customer service
  • The "macho man" complex that plagues you
  • Your lack of public transportation

Despite these weaknesses, and despite my betrayal with this mistress named Japan, you know that I will be back. It will be at least a year, perhaps five at most. In the meantime, please work towards fixing your issues. Most importantly though, please remain the America that I have always known and loved. Try and stay out of fights, and remember to walk regularly and eat lots of fruit. 

I will return to your warm embrace when the time is right. And though I may not return to you exactly as I left, I know that you will welcome me back regardless of whatever changes might occur during our break from each other.

And so, America, I say one last farewell to you... Know that I will always treasure our relationship and think on you with fond memories, warm feelings, and a special place in my heart.

Your kind and loving companion in life,


Jordan




















PS: Tell California I love her!

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